I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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