so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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