I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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