Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
