Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
