Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
