Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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