I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
