Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
