Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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