You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
