The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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