You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
