hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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