She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
