Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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