At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
