You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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