You're so nebulous sometimes
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
