You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
