why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
