I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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