Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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