meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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