i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
