I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
