im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
