I cut my penus on the lid.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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