Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I fill condoms, not promises.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
