youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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