she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
