My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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