i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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