Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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