dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
