I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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