we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
