I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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