It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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