I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
