wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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