I'm so fucking centered right now
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
