I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
