Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
