New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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