I am in a vortex of obligation.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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