Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
