imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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