Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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