I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
