don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
