I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
